Care for our adopted children at home

Your child is home. Congratulations! How do we best care for our adopted children once they are home?

One of the questions that often comes up for adoptive families is how often we should include the word ‘adopted’ when we think about our children’s needs. As we think about medical care, education, discipline, and training, how do we know when their adoption should play a role in our thinking and decisions? When she is having a hard day, is it because she has unresolved grief from her early traumas, because of residual developmental delays from living in an orphanage – or just because she is starting to get sick or need more sleep?

Adoptive parents have the normal ups and downs and challenges of all parents, but with extra layers of uncertainty. Sometimes we don’t know how to best care for our children. But this, too, can lead us into fellowship with our Lord.

What unique needs might our adopted children have, and how should we try to care for those needs?

Medical and developmental needs

Many adopted children are at risk for developmental delays and certain medical conditions. Adoption medicine and therapy are growing fields, with many professionals now specializing in the needs of adoptive families. There is a lot of help available. Read more about care for medical and developmental needs and places to get more information and support.

Emotional needs

We were waiting for Benjamin to come home. He was spending month after month in the orphanage. We knew he might be emotionally and relationally devastated when he eventually joined our family. I didn’t want to think too little about the possible consequences from his extended time in an institution and be unprepared for his needs. But neither did I want to dwell on potential problems so much that I became needlessly alarmed about things that might not be issues for him.

Go into adoption with eyes open to potential challenges. Make the most of your adoption agency’s training, your doctor’s advice and recommended books. But don’t let information turn into a runaway engine that drives you into fear and a dependence on what others say your child needs. Any resource that draws you towards God is probably good; watch out for things that rob you of faith in him.

Do all adopted children experience lifelong pain as a result of their early traumas? I believe it devalues the uniqueness of children to over-generalize in this area. Every child is different. Sociologists may recognize patterns in adopted children - that does not mean your child will fall into those patterns.

Our two sons, both adopted as toddlers from Vietnamese orphanages, are different from each other in many ways. They are each amazing human children, constantly learning and feeling and reacting. All the preparation in the world could not have given me everything I needed for the hundreds of interactions and decisions I have with them every day. But my reading and conversations with professionals have helped me get perspective, understand things I might not have understood and make decisions that better meet their needs.

Faith at home

Adoption is about redemption, restoration and healing. Our adopted children have experienced tremendous loss. Let yourself be sad for those losses and be willing to enter with your child into grieving his brokenness, no matter how it surfaces. This work of grieving our children’s losses can make us feel vulnerable or devastatingly sad or angry. But stepping into tragedy and brokenness is the work of Jesus, and he will meet us there.

Seek the advice of experts. But, ultimately, the answer is found as you put your trust in the Lord and seek him on behalf of your child. Jesus cares. He puts parents and children together in families. He has a plan for you all – a plan to show his goodness as he heals brokenness with his love. It is a great privilege to participate with him. And when you feel like you don’t have enough to give, remember that your faith can become a refuge of protection for your children, a place for them to find safety in storms.