Pursuing adoption after infertility?
Second choice is not second best.

Adoption after Infertility: Plan A and Plan B

We like to rank things. “Plan A” is the first and best choice. If we cannot achieve it, we move on to “Plan B.” (“Plan C” is rarely spoken of – we assume we can at least acquire Plan A or B.)

We assume that Plan A is better than Plan B. Plan B is a sadly needed compromise, requiring us to admit that we are not going to get what is best.

But does God think in “Plan A” and “Plan B” categories? Does he move us to adoption as a second-best parenting track because we don’t deserve the Plan A of pregnancy and birth, or because for some reason he cannot accomplish it for us? No. All things work together for the good for God’s children. God has no Plan B.

If adoption is our second choice, that does not mean it is also second best. Part of the insecurity we feel pursuing adoption after infertility is that, because we didn’t seek it first, we think we must not want it as much and it must not be as good.

Bringing children into a family by birth has unique joys and challenges. And bringing children into a family by adoption has unique joys and challenges. They may be “Plan A” and “Plan B” in the order that we pursue them – but not in their value.

Rejoice! Adoption is not a second-best parenting option, but a great blessing and adventure that God may be giving you by removing the option of what, to you, is “Plan A.”

“Resolving Infertility Grief”

When you fill out adoption agency applications, you will be asked whether you have experienced infertility, and how that has affected your decision to adopt. Social workers interviewing you for a home study will want to evaluate your feelings about infertility, making sure emotional issues are resolved before you pursue adoption.

What does it mean to ‘resolve infertility grief’?

Our feelings about adoption after infertility are affected by our upbringing, viewpoints of family and friends, our physical state, and the kind of community we have around us.

If you have been distraught and hurt by not being able to have biological children, you are normal. Acknowledge your feelings of loss and disappointment. Reach out to people who will listen well to you. Parenting After Infertility Ministries has a community forum that you may find helpful. And take your sorrow to God. Cry out to him. He enters into the pain of his people.

If you have not been devastated by infertility, you are also normal. Some literature and adoption experts may make you think that there is a series of grieving steps you must go through to adopt well after infertility. But maybe God has already prepared you for adoption and spared you the harder pain that some experience as a result of infertility.

There is not a nice, neat way to tidy up our feelings about infertility and put them in a box before moving on to adoption. Emotions may surface unexpectedly during the adoption process and afterwards.

But all the ups and downs can all be part of our pilgrimage towards the God who made us, knows us and loves us. Take stock of your emotions, and then go forward, with him, one step at a time.

But will I love an adopted child as much?

Most adoptive families are asked, in some way, whether they really love their adopted children as ‘their own.’

Most adoptive families feel somewhat indignant at this question, and answer with a resounding “YES!” They feel that anyone asking that question cannot understand the depth of the love they feel for their children. They tell stories to stress how in love they are with their adopted children.

But let’s be honest. We parents, birth and adoptive, do not feel exactly the same way towards all of our children. Some children are affectionate, compliant and easy to love. Some push our buttons and exasperate us daily. Some children are so similar to us that we understand them easily. Others we marvel at, not knowing where they got their athleticism, or anger, or late-night energy. Because of the uniqueness of each child, our natural feeling of connection to them varies. This happens with children who come by birth as well as those who come by adoption.

As a father or mother, how much does it matter that I feel emotionally connected to my children? My job is to love them – to discern their needs and fill them the best I can, to provide for them a loving home, consistent teaching and discipline, to feed them and pray for them and help them reach their God-given potential. This is love. Yes, it can be easier to do this, on a day-to-day basis, if I also feel warm, connected feelings. But love is action as well as feeling, action that we commit ourselves to when we become parents, regardless of the daily feelings.

As we love our children through serving them, God can fill our hearts with the ‘feel good’ kind of love people think of when they ask this question.

So do not fear. If God is leading you towards adoption, he will give you all that you need for the child he brings you – including a steadfast, committed, joyful love.